When the song ended and the beauty of it hardly had time to resonate, the doctors, went on with their questions as if nothing had happened. Again and again, they asked her to name the others for them. They never understood that she had already done that through the music of her voice, in the song.
At night I’d leave the box on her bed while she was away. I felt better doing that. I believed in miracles, that Jamie could still come home, and so she would find the box waiting for her.
Then at last I knew otherwise, understood that I would never see her again. It was Sam Harris, Dr. Harris, who came over. Dr. Moss was out of town, he said, with just a hint of apology in his voice. Sam had been my own doctor for twenty years, yet he’d never attended a single session with Jamie.
“Ella. Can’t beat about the bush. She’s gone. No surprise.”
I didn’t take in what he said. I looked at him and realized he hadn’t shaved that morning, and that the stubble was almost white. He’s getting to be an old man, I thought. And then I took in what he had told me and shut it out before it had a chance to reach me.
“You should be more careful how you tell people such things, Sam,” I said to him. “Doesn’t do me any good to hear it that way. Why didn’t the hospital call me?” I looked at him and I didn’t see him, just the faded green jacket he was wearing.
“Police are still there. No one thought to call. You know state hospitals. Lots of chaos. Sorry about that. They called me when they realized Moss was out in California. I told them I’d tell you.”
“What? What are the police doing there?” I asked, stunned, and cold, a feeling of cold settling into me.
“Eight years you’ve cared for the girl. For what, Ella? Look what it brought you. You look years older than you are. You’ve never gone anywhere the whole time that child’s been growing up. She was messed up since she was hardly out of her crib. So—this morning—she went through one of her changes, and someone interrupted her, and she attacked them, screaming that she had to see you, and when they tried to subdue her, she had a seizure, and that’s when it happened. She didn’t come out of it.”