“Never,” I say, aghast.
He leans forward, his single eye glinting at me, like moonlight on vegetable oil.
“Mr. Timothy, it’s the Lord’s mandate, not mine.”
I am wondering if the Lord enjoys watching porn. “Don’t you think the Lord looking at the nakedness of a childless couple might offend his angels?”
The prophet shakes his head, rattling his dusty dreadlocks. “No, Mr. Timothy. Holy is the mind of the Lord.”
“But I cannot do a shameful thing like that, Master.”
He sighs. “Look, Mr. Timothy, one of the other reasons you can’t have a child is your landlord. He’s a sorcerer, a cultist even. He scoops your sperm away with his powerful jujus, those diabolical talismans.”
“My landlord?”
“I swear. His wealth multiplies every time he sacrifices your precious sperm to a money-doubling god. He also steals your wife’s ovaries, corrupting her womb. He visits Gujarat and Ijebu-Ode regularly, to sharpen the blade of his power even more.”
Prophet Elijah has begun to make more sense. I’ve been suspecting my landlord of criminality, of being a ritualist. So, he’s the devil behind my childlessness? I’ve noticed that he doesn’t respond to my greetings. Now I fully grasp why the prophet squeezed my genitals like that. His power is stronger than the landlord and his talismans.
“I don’t think my wife will agree to come. She’s suffered enough already.”
“You must wheedle her into coming. Just find a subtle way to convince her.”
I tell him I’ll do my best.
“You see, when you make love to her in the presence of our Lord Jesus Christ, he’ll give you both a baby and prevent your landlord from stealing it. And, you know, our Lord longs to watch a married couple making love.”
“That’s interesting, Master.”
He gulps down his spittle. “As a matter of fact, I always ask my congregants who intend to marry to have sex first inside this church before their wedding day. It’s the only opportunity to present their genitals to Jesus Christ.”
“Really, Master?”
“Really. Even my youth members who engage in premarital sex come here to buy holy condoms from Jesus Christ.”
“What?” I scream, hitting my chest in shock.
“Yes, Jesus Christ approves of condoms so much that he supplies them to me. He prefers protected sex among adolescents.”
‘What seems to be an easy path usually is the most difficult to navigate.’ ~Unknown
An interesting read!
I commend you for this beautiful piece. It was funny and entertaining, yet informative.
I like that you highlighted Tim’s negligence of a possible solution, all because of money, only to patronize a ‘holy service’ offering little or no assistance towards his aspirations. This is the stark reality of many men in Africa who believe in supernatural healing than their scientific counterpart. Running campaigns for awareness for men’s health while making provision of access to finance, will go a long way to solve these simple issues.
At the point I read that Tim had chimpanzee balls for a meal, I reclined and thought, “how many more animals to go?” Lol.
I await your next short story. Well done!
Wow! A beautifully crafted master piece. Bravo!