When I finished, I received a standing ovation, but I had reduced myself to a state of paranoia. I almost asked to cancel the signing, but realized that not only would I be giving in to my fears, but also that it would be exceedingly unprofessional.
So as the line formed, I sat down at the table, dreading the moment I would encounter Pamela Winters. I attempted to remain upbeat and encouraging to everyone who approached, but it was difficult when all I could think about was avoiding the woman I had labeled in my mind as a stalker. I knew the image was unfair, and I loathed myself for thinking of her in those terms, and that added to my inner confusion.
The signing finished. The bookstore owner shook my hand and thanked me. Pamela hadn’t come. I silently berated myself for my misplaced fears.
I buttoned my coat and was just about to push the doors open to leave when I saw her standing on the sidewalk at the base of the front steps.
I went out a side exit and kept to alleys and back streets until I found a cab that could return me to my hotel.
* * *
That night I couldn’t sleep. To provide full disclosure: most nights I don’t sleep well, but that night the reason was specific and isolated. The scenarios played over and over in my head. I would recall what I could of my affair with Sarah and my proposal to her. I would look at it from all angles and judge myself from a moral perspective. Had I done anything wrong? Should I have reacted differently? Should I have made different decisions and said different things? On and on the tangled speculations erupted, grew, and divided into other timelines according to random circumstances and choices made.
The next reading, the final one in this city, was in the main branch of the public library. The room was designed like an amphitheater, with the podium below and semicircular rows of seats rising steeply one tier after another like the end zone sections in a football stadium.
I was exhausted. What’s more, the thrill I usually felt when I read for an audience was absent. I envisioned taking a long break from public appearances after this.